I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.