u spoke cat all this time??????
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I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.