Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
You Might Also Like
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.