Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
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Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Breaking news:
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!