Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are