There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.