[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*