My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
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Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My therapist after every session
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
You are what you delete.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem