I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…