Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Nature鈥檚 first bud, spring is in bloom
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that鈥檚 because the resale market is so limited.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can鈥檛 smoke in here
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it鈥檚 there to stab potential taco thieves.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Fighting on twitter be like 馃ぃ
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you鈥檝e known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I鈥檝e been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he鈥檇 do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,