You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt