Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*