Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
this article brought to you by lions
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
$3 #books
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.