Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Mmmm canned fish.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally