[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
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Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha