Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU