I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.