art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Some people were born into their job.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”