[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
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Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
went fishing caught a bass
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
remember
only for emergencies