Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved