“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
so much to do
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…