Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
You Might Also Like
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”