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“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Muppet Screams
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day