It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Who called it baking and not making love
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok