18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
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The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
remember
only for emergencies
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.