I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain