Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old