Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
There is no “we” in pizza
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
How do you like your Corgi?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.