I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
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My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”