Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
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🤣could you imagine
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”