I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Pretty much. 🤣
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*