Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
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So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
as is their right
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you