psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.