My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
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an airline just for babies.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )