AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
You Might Also Like
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
me refusing to leave twitter
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
felt that
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
marvel comics have peaked
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
God has abandoned us.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.