Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
fly smarter, not harder
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things