if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
This is sending me to another galaxy
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost