I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!