Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
dam girl
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.