tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
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Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Monica just destroyed the internet
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.