Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Finally!
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Yup.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.