After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
You Might Also Like
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
🤭😂
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Love is in the air fryer.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.