I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.