Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
You Might Also Like
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
No, YOUR illiterate.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.