[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH