who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Gods work.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.