Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts