[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
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I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
? 💀
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Hmmmmm
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.