*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
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9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab