I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
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Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Happy birthday to all the women
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.